Well I struggle on. As Milton said, “Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.”
It is not becoming of a man.
10.04.2009
9.08.2009
The End of the Hiatus
And five months later I return. I spent the summer at HoneyRock again, working as a wrangler. I met some great people, reconnected with some old friends, and had a blast working at the barn. The odds are good that I will return next year.
All that ended the third week of August. I tore home on the bus, and left for Santa Fe a few days later. And here I am, back in the desert. I know I made the right choice. I do not regret transferring to Annapolis, but now I know what I missed whilst I was away. I suppose such knowledge comes with maturity.
And speaking of, I am now 20. I am no longer the crazy, enthusiastic 19 year old boy - I must pass that by and put away childish things. I want to grow up and become a man. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world, especially on a college campus, but I am resolved to do so. Whilst studying at St. John's, I am working on theology, music, and hopefully exercise and language. I do not want to return to the horrors of freshman year, when I could not manage time to save my life. I am a little older and a little wiser (not nearly enough of either); I have discovered (no great surprise) that all it takes is self control. So....don't become distracted by StarCraft or the Internet; if you do, you will feel disgust towards yourself. It's simply not becoming of a man.
That, then, is my quick resolution. Let's ignore the past two hours and put it into practice. Cha.
All that ended the third week of August. I tore home on the bus, and left for Santa Fe a few days later. And here I am, back in the desert. I know I made the right choice. I do not regret transferring to Annapolis, but now I know what I missed whilst I was away. I suppose such knowledge comes with maturity.
And speaking of, I am now 20. I am no longer the crazy, enthusiastic 19 year old boy - I must pass that by and put away childish things. I want to grow up and become a man. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world, especially on a college campus, but I am resolved to do so. Whilst studying at St. John's, I am working on theology, music, and hopefully exercise and language. I do not want to return to the horrors of freshman year, when I could not manage time to save my life. I am a little older and a little wiser (not nearly enough of either); I have discovered (no great surprise) that all it takes is self control. So....don't become distracted by StarCraft or the Internet; if you do, you will feel disgust towards yourself. It's simply not becoming of a man.
That, then, is my quick resolution. Let's ignore the past two hours and put it into practice. Cha.
4.06.2009
Musical Madness
Hey, s'been awhile.
I have been very tardy with respect to posting regularly. I blog in the same manner as I write to Justin. There is but one item of interest for me right now: the Fantasticks.
I got myself involved in performing for a a musical this month. Shortly after Christmas break, a freshman girl approached me and asked me to play. I said yes, for refusing her would have felt like clubbing a baby seal. Thus did I seal my doom. I unknowingly accepted the task of learning 90 pages of music in six weeks, and with five days left till Opening Night, I'm still a ways off. I should be sleeping or practicing right now, instead of going on my second sleepless night in a row, but here I am.
At any rate, I have learnt a very valuable lesson. After this musical is over I will be a selfish pianist for a while. I will learn a Chopin Ballade, confound it. A Chopin Ballade, another Beethoven sonata, Bach polyphony, Schubert transcendence. I seek to learn enough music to construct a small concert or recital senior year, in the late spring of 2011. But now I am racing through the weirdest songs I've ever heard, trying hard to learn them well.
I'm off to bed; hopefully my efforts will be rewarded.
I have been very tardy with respect to posting regularly. I blog in the same manner as I write to Justin. There is but one item of interest for me right now: the Fantasticks.
I got myself involved in performing for a a musical this month. Shortly after Christmas break, a freshman girl approached me and asked me to play. I said yes, for refusing her would have felt like clubbing a baby seal. Thus did I seal my doom. I unknowingly accepted the task of learning 90 pages of music in six weeks, and with five days left till Opening Night, I'm still a ways off. I should be sleeping or practicing right now, instead of going on my second sleepless night in a row, but here I am.
At any rate, I have learnt a very valuable lesson. After this musical is over I will be a selfish pianist for a while. I will learn a Chopin Ballade, confound it. A Chopin Ballade, another Beethoven sonata, Bach polyphony, Schubert transcendence. I seek to learn enough music to construct a small concert or recital senior year, in the late spring of 2011. But now I am racing through the weirdest songs I've ever heard, trying hard to learn them well.
I'm off to bed; hopefully my efforts will be rewarded.
1.15.2009
New Year, New Semester
It is the Year of Our Lord 2009. Hallelujah! Welcome, New Year, and farewell 2008! 2008 was about the best year of my life; let's see if this year can top it.
I am changing, rapidly changing. My my mind has undergone tremendous changes (largely due to my tenure at St. John's), my emotions are more tightly controlled than ever, and my opinions on the world and its contents have changed more than I ever thought possible. Thankfully my faith has remained constant, though its expression has not. I have been blessed beyond belief; trials and difficulties have been withheld me, so I am grateful, and pray the same on those I love.
By the grace of God, I will finish sophomore year and become a rising junior on 15 May, then head up to northern Wisconsin and work as a wrangler. Beyond that, who knows?
I'll keep this quick for I must eat lunch, work, and study for seminar tonight (Dante's Comedy). I have a short list of things to accomplish this semester.
I am changing, rapidly changing. My my mind has undergone tremendous changes (largely due to my tenure at St. John's), my emotions are more tightly controlled than ever, and my opinions on the world and its contents have changed more than I ever thought possible. Thankfully my faith has remained constant, though its expression has not. I have been blessed beyond belief; trials and difficulties have been withheld me, so I am grateful, and pray the same on those I love.
By the grace of God, I will finish sophomore year and become a rising junior on 15 May, then head up to northern Wisconsin and work as a wrangler. Beyond that, who knows?
I'll keep this quick for I must eat lunch, work, and study for seminar tonight (Dante's Comedy). I have a short list of things to accomplish this semester.
- Read Aristotle's Physics, Metaphysics, and On the Soul
- Study Chopin's Ballade No.3 in A flat
- Translate a verse from the New Testament every day
- Begin and maintain a disciplined exercise regimen
- Ace my classes.
11.05.2008
Politics From Cicero
Those who propose to take charge of the affairs of government should not fail to remember two of Plato's rules: first, to keep the good of the people so clearly in view that regardless of their own interests they will make their every action conform to that; second, to care for the welfare of the whole body politic and not in serving the interests of some one party to betray the rest. For the administration of the government, like the office of a trustee must be conducted for the benefit of those entrusted to one's care, not of those to whom it is entrusted. Now, those who care for the interests of a part of the citizens and neglect another part, introduce into the civil service a dangerous element — dissension and party strife. The result is that some are found to be loyal supporters of the democratic, others of the aristocratic party, and few of the nation as a whole.
All this the citizen who is patriotic, brave, and worthy of a leading place in the state will shun with abhorrence; he will dedicate himself unreservedly to his country, without aiming at influence or power for himself; and he will devote himself to the state in its entirety in such a way as to further the interests of all. Besides, he will not expose anyone to hatred or disrepute by groundless charges. but he will surely cleave to justice and honour so closely that he will submit to any loss, however heavy, rather than be untrue to them, and will face death itself rather than renounce them. {87} A most wretched custom, assuredly, is our electioneering and scrambling for office. Concerning this also we find a fine thought in Plato: "Those who compete against one another," he says, "to see which of two candidates shall administer the government, are like sailors quarrelling as to which one of them shall do the steering." And he likewise lays down the rule that we should regard only those as adversaries who take up arms against the state, not those who strive to have the government administered according to their convictions.
All this the citizen who is patriotic, brave, and worthy of a leading place in the state will shun with abhorrence; he will dedicate himself unreservedly to his country, without aiming at influence or power for himself; and he will devote himself to the state in its entirety in such a way as to further the interests of all. Besides, he will not expose anyone to hatred or disrepute by groundless charges. but he will surely cleave to justice and honour so closely that he will submit to any loss, however heavy, rather than be untrue to them, and will face death itself rather than renounce them. {87} A most wretched custom, assuredly, is our electioneering and scrambling for office. Concerning this also we find a fine thought in Plato: "Those who compete against one another," he says, "to see which of two candidates shall administer the government, are like sailors quarrelling as to which one of them shall do the steering." And he likewise lays down the rule that we should regard only those as adversaries who take up arms against the state, not those who strive to have the government administered according to their convictions.
9.24.2008
On Jacob's Relationship to God
On Jacob’s Relationship with God
Timothy Davis
Sophomore Language, Mr. Pihas
09.14.2008.
“And Iacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keepe me in this way that I goe, and will giue me bread to eate, and raiment to put on, so that I come againe to my fathers house in peace: then shall the LORD be my God.” [1][2]
“And Iacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst vnto me, Returne vnto thy countrey, and to thy kinred, and I will deale well with thee: I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the trueth, which thou hast shewed vnto thy seruant: for with my staffe I passe ouer this Iordan, and now I am become two bands. Deliuer me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I feare him, lest he will come, and smite me, and the mother with the children. And thou sadist, I will surely doe thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbred for multitude.”[3]
In these two passages we have very different prayers to God. The former is confident and brief, as though Jacob is addressing an equal; the second is far longer, intimate, humble, and desperate. What are the ways that Jacob has changed between these two prayers and how does it affect his relationship to his God?
Jacob’s early years are privileged. God informs Rebekah that the elder son (Esau) will serve the younger (Jacob), and Jacob is Rebekah’s favorite child.[4] He is a confident, self-assured character when we first meet him, tricking his careless brother out of his birthright by means of a bargain that would make Odysseus proud. He is skilled in trickery and deception (even his name means “supplanter”) and since he is the weaker of the two, relies upon intellect and tricks to achieve his ends. This early confidence climaxes when he steals Esau’s blessing and deceives Isaac at Rebekah’s urging. He flees Esau to save his life and journeys towards Padan Aram Bethel
The first blow to Jacob’s pride is Laban; a man whose intellect and craft are equal to his own. Laban exploits Jacob’s passion for Rachel so that Jacob is tricked into marrying Leah and serving him for fourteen years.[6] To our surprise, Jacob does little more than protest Laban’s deception; once he marries Rachel, he bears seven years of service without complaint as far as we know. But it is important to note that from the very beginning of Laban’s interaction with Jacob, Jacob is no longer in control. Back home with his parents and Esau, there was no question that Jacob was the crafty and clever one; he led and Esau followed. But now Laban has the initiative and Jacob is the one who is forced to adjust; Laban has wrested control over him which must certainly surprise him, and God now enters into the dispute which is the second blow to Jacob’s supposed invincibility.
Jacob never intended to marry Leah, and thus loves Rachel far more than she. God apparently sees this as unjust and permits Leah to bear many children while keeping Rachel from conceiving. A quarrel between the two sisters ensues and Jacob is in the middle, forced to deal with familial conflict after creating so much of his own. His tricks are unable to save him from domestic troubles and he again is not the dictator of events; he is passive, accepting Rachel’s leadership in taking Bilhah for a wife (a favor he gives Leah as well). His four wives bear many children but Jacob is not the leader and was unable to gain the upper hand in either this predicament or in his trials with Laban.
And his trials with Laban are only beginning. Jacob has now served Laban for more than fourteen years and God has blessed his efforts, for Laban’s flocks are more prosperous than he ever could have made them and he surely knows Jacob’s administrative talent. He is greedy for more wealth at the hands of Jacob and even agrees to pay Jacob for his work. A game of cat-and-mouse erupts between the two, as both trick each other as quickly as they can, Laban changing Jacob’s wages and Jacob practicing one-sided selective breeding to give himself the best cattle and shortchanging his uncle. But either because Jacob’s wit has finally mastered Laban’s, or God has blessed him, Jacob grows exceedingly rich in cattle and servants. He realizes that Laban’s attitude towards him has darkened, and at a word from God, he flees back to his homeland.
Jacob has now become confident again, but not solely for his own talent. He recognizes that God blessed him in his duel with Laban and this gives Jacob the courage to confront him, who gives pursuit, and even though he assumes a humble stance in the argument, it is clear he does not fear his uncle. God forbids Laban to harm Jacob, and once again, the latter has persevered. He has shown tenacity and growth for twenty years and has gained a larger perspective on his place in the world. Confident in his own ability still, he nonetheless grants God a higher place in the causes for his success.
All of this changes in chapter thirty-two, when Jacob returns towards Canaan . He immediately assumes a humble stance towards Esau, no longer thinking himself the better of the two or superior. But his messengers return saying Esau comes with four hundred men, and Jacob is petrified in terror, thinking his brother to be attacking him. His intellect and trickery cannot save him from his perceived doom, and it is now when he acknowledges God’s hand in enriching him, sending his desperate, intimate plea to God for salvation; it is here that the contrast between the two prayers is starkest. The first is clear and succinct: terms are expressly laid out and the relationship is clear: God will interact with Jacob on Jacob’s terms. But here, Jacob indulges in prose poetry in his lengthy appeal for mercy, humbling himself contrary to his nature, fully acknowledging his success to be from God, who has kept his side of the bargain, blessing him with wealth. He ends his prayer with a call of remembrance, reminding God that he will be made a great nation. No longer bargaining, Jacob is begging God to have mercy on him and remember the promises made at Bethel
“…and there wrestled a man with him, vntill the breaking of the day. And when he saw, that he preuailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh: and of the hollow of Iacobs thigh was out of ioynt, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me goe, for the day breaketh: and he said, I will not let thee goe, except thou blesse me.”[7]
By fighting and maintaining indomitable will, Jacob ultimately finds favor with God, for he refuses to yield even when injured, and even though God has the “upper hand”, Jacob is able to drive a bargain with the man whom he has fought to a draw. What is it about Jacob’s endurance during trial that allows him to gain God’s blessing? Is it endurance as endurance simply, or is there something particular about this endurance? One possible answer is that Jacob’s prayer represents a real change of heart from his previous “bargain” oath at Bethel, and that he is newly committed to placing the future in God’s hands but will not flag in his own mortal efforts to effect his desired ends, even when his wealth, his family, and himself is mortally threatened by his brother. Perhaps it is this will, this courage to continue in his affairs despite placing hope in God that paradoxically wins him divine favor, for if he had not shown humility and sought God with the proper heart it is doubtful that he would have been delivered.
Jacob crosses the river towards Esau a new man. He has wrestled with God and prevailed, been blessed, and given a new name. He is becoming a faithful servant of God and a great patriarch. The seeds of a new faith, built on holy fear and trembling, rather than bargains, have been sewn and the rise of God’s chosen people has begun; all because Jacob’s excesses of pride and deception have mellowed into a richer submission to the will of God. It is in his recognizing and submitting to this will that God’s covenant with him will be fulfilled.
Studying Greek at 5AM
Yeah, I'm back to 5AM Greek sessions. Remember those times in Fe, when I'd stay up till 3AM learning that darn Luschnig? Well it paid off and now I can sleep instead if I get up at five to finish my translation. And speaking of translation, it's getting easier. I still hate Sophocles (Don't tell Maxine), but with the aid of Lenore the Lexicon and the occasional peek at Perseus (everyone uses it here but it feels like cheating!!), I do okay:
(Lines 255-268)
οὐδ᾽ εἰ γὰρ ἦν τὸ πρᾶγμα μὴ θεήλατον,
ἀκάθαρτον ὑμᾶς εἰκὸς ἦν οὕτως ἐᾶν,
ἀνδρός γ᾽ ἀρίστου βασιλέως τ᾽ ὀλωλότος,
ἀλλ᾽ ἐξερευνᾶν: νῦν δ᾽ ἐπεὶ κυρῶ γ᾽ ἐγὼ
ἔχων μὲν ἀρχὰς ἃς ἐκεῖνος εἶχε πρίν,
260ἔχων δὲ λέκτρα καὶ γυναῖχ᾽ ὁμόσπορον,
κοινῶν τε παίδων κοίν᾽ ἄν, εἰ κείνῳ γένος
μὴ 'δυστύχησεν, ἦν ἂν ἐκπεφυκότα:
νῦν δ᾽ ἐς τὸ κείνου κρᾶτ᾽ ἐνήλαθ᾽ ἡ τύχη:
ἀνθ᾽ ὧν ἐγὼ τάδ᾽, ὡσπερεὶ τοὐμοῦ πατρός,
265ὑπερμαχοῦμαι κἀπὶ πᾶν ἀφίξομαι,
ζητῶν τὸν αὐτόχειρα τοῦ φόνου λαβεῖν,
τῷ Λαβδακείῳ παιδὶ Πολυδώρου τε καὶ
τοῦ πρόσθε Κάδμου τοῦ πάλαι τ᾽ Ἀγήνορος.
Even if this was a deed not driven on by a god,
It would not be proper for you to leave it, uncleansed,
since a good man has been destroyed, a king. Search it out.
Now, since I hold the power which he held previously,
and hold the bed and wife he sewed together
we would have common things of common children,
if his race had not been unfortunate, who would have been born
(but as it is, fortune leapt upon his head)
Because of these things I will fight as though he were my father,
I shall go to all things, seeking with my own hand to grasp the murderer
of the son of Labdakos and [the son of] Polydoros and before him
of Kadmus and of ancient Agenor.
What do you think?
(Lines 255-268)
οὐδ᾽ εἰ γὰρ ἦν τὸ πρᾶγμα μὴ θεήλατον,
ἀκάθαρτον ὑμᾶς εἰκὸς ἦν οὕτως ἐᾶν,
ἀνδρός γ᾽ ἀρίστου βασιλέως τ᾽ ὀλωλότος,
ἀλλ᾽ ἐξερευνᾶν: νῦν δ᾽ ἐπεὶ κυρῶ γ᾽ ἐγὼ
ἔχων μὲν ἀρχὰς ἃς ἐκεῖνος εἶχε πρίν,
260ἔχων δὲ λέκτρα καὶ γυναῖχ᾽ ὁμόσπορον,
κοινῶν τε παίδων κοίν᾽ ἄν, εἰ κείνῳ γένος
μὴ 'δυστύχησεν, ἦν ἂν ἐκπεφυκότα:
νῦν δ᾽ ἐς τὸ κείνου κρᾶτ᾽ ἐνήλαθ᾽ ἡ τύχη:
ἀνθ᾽ ὧν ἐγὼ τάδ᾽, ὡσπερεὶ τοὐμοῦ πατρός,
265ὑπερμαχοῦμαι κἀπὶ πᾶν ἀφίξομαι,
ζητῶν τὸν αὐτόχειρα τοῦ φόνου λαβεῖν,
τῷ Λαβδακείῳ παιδὶ Πολυδώρου τε καὶ
τοῦ πρόσθε Κάδμου τοῦ πάλαι τ᾽ Ἀγήνορος.
Even if this was a deed not driven on by a god,
It would not be proper for you to leave it, uncleansed,
since a good man has been destroyed, a king. Search it out.
Now, since I hold the power which he held previously,
and hold the bed and wife he sewed together
we would have common things of common children,
if his race had not been unfortunate, who would have been born
(but as it is, fortune leapt upon his head)
Because of these things I will fight as though he were my father,
I shall go to all things, seeking with my own hand to grasp the murderer
of the son of Labdakos and [the son of] Polydoros and before him
of Kadmus and of ancient Agenor.
What do you think?