At Two Hundred Yards I Thought She Was Gorgeous

'Twas the Fourth of July I read in the paper
A circus from Kansas had pulled into town
Now elephants had always kind of intrigued me
And I hadn't seen a woman in a month and a half.

A feller gets crazy in a bachelor quarters
And wishes to gaze on a woman or two
And so I forsook all the boss' fine heifers
And went to the circus alas and alack.

At two hundred yards I thought she was gorgeous
She looked like a mermaid with long golden hair
Somehow I missed the tattoo on her shoulder
And that she weighed in close to three hundred pounds.

I should have looked closer before I embraced her
It never occurred to me that she might have
The hairiest armpits in Ockletree County
I really goofed up there alas and alack.

I guess that some lasses ain't wild about cowboys
Who sneak up behind 'em and kiss on their face
In any event though she screamed like a panther
And messed up my jaw with a wicked left hook.

I sure 'nough was shocked that she had that big husband
A wrestler in fact with a bone in his nose
Before he was finished I really looked forward
To seeing my heifers alas and alack.

I'm warning you boys who stay on them ranches
A circus is no place for fellers like us
There's something about all the glittering costumes
That makes a poor cowboy go out of his mind.

Beware of the women with big ugly husbands
Especially that one with a bone in his nose
In courting a lass...a lack of good judgment
Can shorten your lifespan alas and alack.