[nota bene: I scribbled this note shortly after returning from the chapel in Santa Fe, hearing Christ's calling to the priesthood clearly for the first time. As the note shows, I was in a state of rapturous excitement]
It was not God refraining from calling me clearly, it was my own hesitation in discerning his call. Tonight in chapel I took my third leap of faith and said 'yes' to my vocation. Afterwards, almost immediately, I felt a sense of peace, beautiful in itself, but then - ! I fell in love with God as I have not before, either in Smith Hall or when I swam the Tiber to arrive on the banks of Rome. I could not control myself; I ran about in the snow like a madman, laughing and making snow angels. Whatever doubts, second guesses, or attacks from the Enemy I have yet to face*, whatever battles and fights with the Devil lie before me, this I know: I am God's holy creation, His most unworthy servant; that He loves me; that He will protect me, and He shall never leave me to face my perils alone. Already I feel fears of uncertainty needling me, pushing me towards uncertainty and doubting God's goodness. But they come not from my loving Father, the supreme Being whose new lover I have become. They come from Satan and his demons, who hate my Holy Savior and His most beautiful Bride. They wish to destroy me and the good work Christ has begun in me. Get behind me, Satan! You cannot harm me, for I am Another's, forever and ever!
*A prescient statement given the unfolding events of the following night.
It was not God refraining from calling me clearly, it was my own hesitation in discerning his call. Tonight in chapel I took my third leap of faith and said 'yes' to my vocation. Afterwards, almost immediately, I felt a sense of peace, beautiful in itself, but then - ! I fell in love with God as I have not before, either in Smith Hall or when I swam the Tiber to arrive on the banks of Rome. I could not control myself; I ran about in the snow like a madman, laughing and making snow angels. Whatever doubts, second guesses, or attacks from the Enemy I have yet to face*, whatever battles and fights with the Devil lie before me, this I know: I am God's holy creation, His most unworthy servant; that He loves me; that He will protect me, and He shall never leave me to face my perils alone. Already I feel fears of uncertainty needling me, pushing me towards uncertainty and doubting God's goodness. But they come not from my loving Father, the supreme Being whose new lover I have become. They come from Satan and his demons, who hate my Holy Savior and His most beautiful Bride. They wish to destroy me and the good work Christ has begun in me. Get behind me, Satan! You cannot harm me, for I am Another's, forever and ever!
*A prescient statement given the unfolding events of the following night.
No comments:
Post a Comment