Nothing you have truly longed for will come to be. You can't be a musician, a monk, or a priest. Very soon you will be a cripple. Despair seems reasonable. Are you going to kill yourself?
No.
Why not?
Because my life is not my own and we are forbidden to kill ourselves; because the selfish cowardice of suicide still repels me; because I can still find, experience, and chase after beauty; and because my suicide would hurt people I love very badly. When I think about others, I can't really, seriously, entertain notions of killing myself.
What will you do instead?
Convert and follow Jesus of Nazareth.
How?
By hating sin: abandoning self-pity, self-loathing, making peace with lust, and rising above sloth. And by loving good. There was a vision, an instant of clarity I had during the homily; a pure-hearted longing for holiness alone, all other things stripped away; and the proof this can be done is the Saint. The witness of the saints is the needed proof that this way of life is possible. And I know that it's beautiful. A single minded devotion to live in and for love. To follow Christ while holding nothing back. Just for an instant, there was a flicker of joy. The "all things are passing, God never changes" type. And it made me want to want it.
I don't know how the transfiguration of suffering to redemption works; but if the pain I freely accept could bring just one person to heaven, everything would be worth it. There is nothing I would not endure if I could know it would make a difference. Can it? I wrestle with that unceasingly. There is no answer for me except belief or unbelief. But it's literally either that or suicide, and I've already ruled that out. So holiness it is.
So what will you do?
Get an apartment, and devote myself to penance, prayer, art, and writing. Live that way as long as I can, accept the humiliation of being a cripple with some measure of grace, and accept in the end whatever death I am given.
No.
Why not?
Because my life is not my own and we are forbidden to kill ourselves; because the selfish cowardice of suicide still repels me; because I can still find, experience, and chase after beauty; and because my suicide would hurt people I love very badly. When I think about others, I can't really, seriously, entertain notions of killing myself.
What will you do instead?
Convert and follow Jesus of Nazareth.
How?
By hating sin: abandoning self-pity, self-loathing, making peace with lust, and rising above sloth. And by loving good. There was a vision, an instant of clarity I had during the homily; a pure-hearted longing for holiness alone, all other things stripped away; and the proof this can be done is the Saint. The witness of the saints is the needed proof that this way of life is possible. And I know that it's beautiful. A single minded devotion to live in and for love. To follow Christ while holding nothing back. Just for an instant, there was a flicker of joy. The "all things are passing, God never changes" type. And it made me want to want it.
I don't know how the transfiguration of suffering to redemption works; but if the pain I freely accept could bring just one person to heaven, everything would be worth it. There is nothing I would not endure if I could know it would make a difference. Can it? I wrestle with that unceasingly. There is no answer for me except belief or unbelief. But it's literally either that or suicide, and I've already ruled that out. So holiness it is.
So what will you do?
Get an apartment, and devote myself to penance, prayer, art, and writing. Live that way as long as I can, accept the humiliation of being a cripple with some measure of grace, and accept in the end whatever death I am given.