Simplicity

I worry about Lourdes. What if nothing happens, and N feels like it was a waste? What if my slowness ruins the fun for everyone else? What if I find it humiliating and resent them? I think this way, sometimes. But N hatched this plan because she loves me. G convinced me to do it and chose to come along because she loves me. I will redirect my worries into remembering those things, instead. Simplicity. Open my heart to receive your will for me at Lourdes. Please hear my heart's desire.

Change of Heart

 I fell in love with G. Not for the first time, and it's not the first time for that sort of thing, anyway. But prior to this, I had no attraction to marriage as a calling. Now it's something I think I want. 

Why? What's the point of this? Haven't there been enough callings I want that I can't have? Why do I need to go through this one too? I can't be a musician, a priest, or a monk. I'm a cripple. Now I need to fall in love with a woman I can't have in order to know how beautiful a holy marriage is? Isn't this some kind of sick joke? 

I followed my heart the last time something like this happened and the pain of it nearly drove me to despair. I have no serious intention of following my heart this time, so it will just be unrequited love. I've dealt with it before. Those feelings will subside soon enough once I start directing them. But now it's unrequited love plus desiring marriage, a desire I didn't when I was 17. Or 34. But it's not marriage in general. I don't want to get married. I want to marry her. 

Assuming these feelings are real and not just realizing how much I'm in love with her, this is very discouraging. I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I don't see a way forward, I just seem stuck, endlessly relying on others and not able to do anything myself at all. It's like I desire all good things but can't serve any of them. I don't know what to do with that. How can that glorify him? Isn't this meaningless?